So here it is.
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn. The hard way. Which means I learned it by walking around, acting as if it were true, then getting really SIDEWAYS results. It got to a point where I was taking everything, every little thing, as feedback. And, taking everything that showed up in my reality as something to say "yes" to. Let's just say that I slept with a lot of losers and really did not have any clue what boundaries were.
A wise teacher (or maybe I made this up, I can't quite remember) once told me:
"When you look in the mirror, do you ever just see yourself? No. Because what comes back to us is our reflection, along with our environment, the lighting, the mood of the space, and other factors (like maybe the mirror is warped) that have nothing, yes NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU."
The weirdest thing about the idea that "everything is a reflection of you" is when someone else reminds you of this. For example, say someone speaks to me rudely and I point out, "Hey, I don't appreciate it when you use that tone of voice with me" and the response is "Well, the way I am showing up is just a reflection of you. " Yuck. This is a dangerous practice called deflecting, not reflecting.
The circles that I have seen this "reflection" and "yes to it all" philosophy are not 100% wrong. It is that reflection of self, and the answer of YES to what shows up in front of you are only HALF of the options.
The first option is remembering the CONTEXT of the reflection.
Do you trust the person who is reflecting this to you?
Is this a situation that it is time to learn to create your boundaries? Just because someone treated you poorly, it does not mean that you need to do more work on yourself, and just accept the treatment. It may mean that it is time to draw your boundary, say thank you very much and block their phone number. Seriously.
It is not okay to notice a difficult situation that someone is going through then blame THEM for that reality because "they attracted it to them self" or because it is "just a reflection of their inner reality." Here is a reflection - if it is NOT OKAY, then the lesson here is for you to draw a line and say NO to that behavior in your life.
The second option is practicing that NO is always an appropriate answer.
Sometimes the lesson is learning how to say no to something that shows up, tempting, and enticing, because you have made a commitment, you have a set of values in place that are set to a goal that requires you to stay on course.
The example I can best draw from for this theme would be recently, while developing my own business. Yep, I am a good, ole-fashioned entrepreneur and it is ass-kicking hard work. Mostly internal stuff around self-worth, mixed with annoying details like learning accounting. Back in August I decided to DEDICATE myself to this work full time, and not get distracted with my usual tactics, like leaving the country, having a crazy love affair and cutting off contact with everyone, or getting board which leads to creating chaos and sabotaging what I had built. I gave myself a full year to really stay put, get on track, and get some support.
So there I was, a few months into seeing clients 1x1, and even toying around with developing some group work, and get I an offer. An offer that 3 months ago, I would have NOT refused. Great money. Travel. With a company I love. Team building and coaching - work I love.
Now. Is the Universe telling me to switch?
I mean it would be SO MUCH EASIER just to go back to this company.
I would feel SO MUCH MORE SUPPORTED and still be doing the work that I love.
But here is the thing.
I had made a value line. I dedicated a YEAR of myself to my business here. Yep. The website you are on right now is part of the fruit of my entrepreneurial labor.
So the answer for me, at that time was NO.
Just because it showed up, in a great package, did not mean it was a yes. Because I had dedicated myself to something else, the answer was NO.
This may seem like small peanuts, but I have this conversation bi-weekly with friends and clients who believe that there are all these signs and symbols all around them, controlling their reality. Yes, I subscribe to being sensitive to my surroundings, and understanding the rhythms of the Universe. I am also learning that I am an ACTIVE CREATOR in this reality and that my NO's are just as powerful and just as vital to creating the life I desire as my YESES.
So I share this not as an expert, but more as a student in the research of contextual YES and NO.
What do you feel about the ideas that everything out there is a Reflection of you?
Also, what do you feel about the "Saying Yes to Whatever Arrises" philosophy?I want to emphasize that this is a huge subject, and my gross, broad brushstrokes do not even begin to really play with the personalized subtly of this subject. I do hope to however begin a deeper conversation around boundaries and taking responsibility for one's own creation.
Briana Cavion, MA, MAnlp
Briana is a Communication and Relationship Coach for WholeLife Neuro-Linguistic Programing (wholelifenlp.com). She has been described as having a "magical" way of helping her clients identify and release what has been slowing them down, sabotaging their path, and stopping them from living the life they most desire. She coaches to reignite personal freedom, flourishing relationships, soulful leadership, and authentic communication. She works with the presupposition that life is an incredible opportunity to create the truest expression of your highest purpose, greatest impact, and deepest gifts.